I will die if light touches me.
We got so high we made milksteak
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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