everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
