On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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