know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
