My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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