mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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