they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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