you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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