saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Randomize
