i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
