I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
