So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
