Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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