The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize