So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Liz is crying about burritos again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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