Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
