He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
