He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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