I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
