god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
