Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
