cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
