You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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