I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
