I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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