well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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