Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
