you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
