Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
