2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
