Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
