all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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