2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
