If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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