Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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