Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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