I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize