So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
