the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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