Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
