DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
