I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
