Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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