tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
