I hate all girls vehemently.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
