Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
