I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize