They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
