We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
