No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
