dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
