At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
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