You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
