So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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