that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
