I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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