During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
