I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
