i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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