Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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