1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
